My hands used to be steady.
Steady as a rock as they would say.
No pain..No Gnarls..No wrinkles..No age spots.
Just steady.
My gait was strong too. Sure footed.
Only stumbling when I took a misstep or was just plain clumsy.
Rarely out of breath, winded as you might say.
My eyes were bright. Full of light.
I might have needed glasses, but I could see through them.
Even see well enough to thread a needle.
But not now. Now I can barely see the thread, much less have a steady hand to thread it through that tiny eye in the needle.
The light has dimmed. Barely or rarely a sparkle. Not hardly a twinkle anymore.
Where I could easily get in and out of anywhere or anything, with ease mind you, now I am afraid to turn around in the shower for fear of slipping and falling. Much less the struggle to get in and out of it.
Oh the nightmares of "I've fallen and can't get up."
I walk by a mirror and the reflection is of someone I know, it's just not me. It's my mother, I am sure of it.
I really don't know the person that is staring back and with trembling hands tries to put a dab of cold cream on to smooth out the wrinkles, wrinkles that not even the best ironing board and iron could erase. But yet I try.
I don't want to be old and dried out. So I moisturize.
What happened to the girl that is hidden behind those dimmed eyes and wrinkled face and hands. Where everything is heading south. Sagging boobs. Sagging eyes. Sagging mouth. A smile creeps to a sagging face but it can't erase time.
What happened to that girl? Lord I don't know.
Time grabbed a hold of her and has tried to choke the life out of her.
But I am a fighter. I have the scars to prove it.
I used to be able to put a sentence together. But now sometimes, most times, the words elude me!
They play hide and seek in my brain or they are taking a nap in the cobwebs.
I have things to say.
Things I need to say.
Things I want to say.
I try to tell you and find myself repeating the same things.
I know I asked you that very question not more than five minutes ago, but for the life of me I can't remember your answer and I am struggling to grasp the words to ask you something else.
When I am with you I stumble..a lot.
But you hold my hand, my arm, as I take step by step..shuffling along barely able to lift my feet.
It is annoying as..well you know how annoying it is.
My knees refuse to bend and lift these heavy heavy feet. They don't want to work any more than they have to.
Trust me when I say I know I am causing what should be a quick trip to the store to take twice as long as it should.
I do so appreciate your patience..your kindness.
I sometimes think you have way more patience with me than I did with you when you were oh so small.
When I would hold your hand, your arm, and steadied you when you shuffled your feet, making a quick trip to the store take twice as long as it should.
If you feel half the frustration I felt, then I am oh so sorry.
The last thing a parent wants to be is a burden.
You weren't a burden. You were a joy. I just didn't have the patience that I have now. I had things, most not important, to do, and back then I had the energy and stamina to get them done.
I heard you need to slow down. Stop and smell the roses once in a while.
I feel as if I have come to a complete stop and have forgotten to start back up.
Oh, my hair. My thinning hair.
It used to have a luster about it. A sheen. Now look at it, whats left of it anyways.
So dull and lifeless.
Every brush stroke is fuller and fuller of hair that is thinning, thinning, thinning.
Where once a voracious appetite sometimes drove my day, I now am finding that I have forgotten to eat, again. Not that I have that much of an appetite anyways. But still, I need to eat.
So sick of sandwiches but more afraid to cook. Smoke alarms are not your friend.
I hear the phone ring every night when you are the last one to call and check up on me and tell me good night and that you love me!!
Thank you for that!!
I love hearing your voice. Now that I am alone, once I hear your sweet sweet voice I am no longer sitting here in the dark alone. I am wrapped in a warm glow of love.
In case I don't tell you enough, while I still remember to and while I know you will know I mean every word, I appreciate all you do for me and I love you with every breath I take. You, all of you, my babies, my grandbabies, and my great grandbabies, you have my heart, my prayers.
I sit here most days in silence. Silence and prayer.
I try to read but my eyes fail me.
Not a soap opera fan. The news is always the same. Even after all these years not much has changed.
I want to call my friends, but the ones that are still here, and that is a very limited amount, are in the same shape as I am. Some are even worse. Scary thought!!
But I can still remember, some things anyways. A melancholy smile sweeps my face when the memories finally push through.
I remember that first date.
That first kiss.
That first embrace.
That first knowing that you were the one.
That life without you would not be complete.
And I was right!
But you, you left me way too soon.
I needed you longer.
I wanted you longer.
I miss you..Oh Lord do I miss you.
We were together long enough that our hearts had become entwined. So much so that when you left you took part of mine and left me with part of yours.
And even though I could sit here and cry and miss you more and more, life is too short for that.
You proved that. No time for pity.
But I will see you soon my love.
That is why when you left that day, when you slipped into eternity, I whispered loud enough for you and God to hear, "See you soon" instead of goodbye.
If the roles were reversed I would hope you would feel the same.
So I smile and remind myself that today I am one day closer to you than I was yesterday.
One day closer to seeing you again, my one and only sweetheart.
I know we said "Until death do us part" but I hope beyond hope that you will be waiting for me.
Waiting to reach out and take my trembling hand as I come softly to you.
I hope you know me when I get there.
I am a bit slower. Actually a lot slower.
So please forgive me if I stumble.
Please reach out and catch me.
And yes my hands will be trembling as they grasp hold of yours.
But remember, my hands used to be steady!
